Summary of 5 love language
language if we are to be effective communicators of love.
Running your marriage on an
empty “love tank” may cost you even more than trying to
drive your car without oil.
Word of affirmation
Encouragement requires empathy and seeing the world
from your spouse’s perspective. We must first learn what important to other .
Kind word
You will seek to put yourself in his
shoes and see the event through his eyes and then express
softly your understanding of why he feels that
way. If you have wronged him, you will be willing to confess
the wrong and ask forgiveness. If your motivation is
different from what he is reading, you will be able to explain
your motivation kindly. You will seek understanding and
reconciliation, and not to prove your own perception as the
only logical way to interpret what has happened. That is
mature love.
Quality time
Togetherness
Similarly, a husband and wife playing tennis together, if
it is genuine quality time, will focus not on the game but on
the fact that they are spending time together. What
happens on the emotional level is what matters.
Words of affirmation focus on what we are
saying, whereas quality conversation focuses on what we
are hearing.
We are trained to analyze
problems and create solutions. We forget that marriage is a relationship, not a project to be completed or a problem
to solve. A relationship calls for sympathetic listening with a
view to understanding the other person’s thoughts, feelings,
and desires. We must be willing to give advice but only
when it is requested and never in a condescending
manner. Most of us have little training in listening. We are
far more efficient in thinking and speaking
Personality type
The good news is that Dead Seas can learn to talk and Babbling Brooks can learn to listen. We are
influenced by our personality but not controlled by it.
Receiving gift
1)Don’t worry about your savings. You
will always be a saver, but to invest in loving your spouse is
to invest in blue-chip stocks.
Physical presence in the time of crisis is the most powerful
gift you can give if your spouse’s primary love language is
receiving gifts
Act of service
Requests give direction to love, but demands stop the
flow of love.
What we do for each other before marriage is no
indication of what we will do after marriage.
Our actions are influenced by the model of our
parents, our own personality, our perceptions of love, our
emotions, needs, and desires. Only one thing is certain
about our behavior: It will not be the same behavior we
exhibited when we were caught up in being “in love.”
Physical touch
“it’s not how fast you learn it but how well
you learn it that matters
Most sexual problems in marriage have little to do with
physical technique but everything to do with meeting
emotional needs.
When the seminal vesicles are full, there is a
physical push for release. Thus, the male’s desire for
sexual intercourse has a physical root. needs.
For the female, sexual desire is rooted in her
emotions, not her physiology. There is nothing physically
that builds up and pushes her to have intercourse. Her
desire is emotionally based.
DISCOVERING YOUR PRIMARY LOVE LANGUAGE
What is your primary love language? What makes you feel most loved by your spouse? What do you desire above all else? If the answer to those questions does not leap to your mind immediately, perhaps it will help to look at the negative use of love languages. What does your spouse do or say or fail to do or say that hurts you deeply? If, for example, your deepest pain is the critical, judgmental words of your spouse, then perhaps your love language is “Words of Affirmation. Mary’s deepest hurt, mainly that Ron did not help her do things around the house, was the clue to her primary love language—“Acts of Service.” If it grieves you deeply that your spouse seldom gives you a gift for any occasion, then perhaps your primary love language is “Receiving Gifts.” If your deepest hurt is that your spouse seldom gives you quality time, then that is your primary love language.
Another approach to discovering your primary love language is to look back over your marriage and ask, “What have I most often requested of my spouse?” Whatever you have most requested is probably in keeping with your primary love language.
chapter 13
CHILDREN AND LOVE LANGUAGES
If your child is often making presents for you, wrapping them up and giving them to you with a special glee in his or her eye, your child’s primary love language is probably “Receiving Gifts.” He gives to you because he desires to receive. If you observe your son or daughter always trying to help a younger brother or sister, it probably means that his or her primary love language is “Acts of Service.” If he or
she is often telling you how good you look and what a good mother or father you are and what a good job you did, it is an indicator that his or her primary love language is “Words of Affirmation.”
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